nothing breaks like a heart

who could stay? you could stay.

listen while you read: the archer by taylor swift

i sit in my room. on my bed—fresh sheets. freshly showered, one of those showers. a jade candle burning on the window mantle to my left. some sort of soft rock or indie playlist quietly playing off my laptop on my desk, or maybe the rumours album. my mug just topped up with spiced apple & chamomile tea (my sleepy-time tea), my stanley, filled with crisp ice water, sits beside it. it’s only 8pm, but i’ve already made myself dinner, washed up, finished studying. i’ve accomplished everything i needed to for the day—on the surface, it looks like i have everything together. i’m ready for bed, but 8pm is too early to clock out for the day.

i find myself sitting in my room, completely alone. an entire ocean away from everyone i love. my stomach drops, my heart tightens, clenching with pain. my breath is shallow. my eyes well up with tears, my vision gets blurry— but no. you can’t cry again, emma. you’re supposed to be strong. you’re trying to heal. this is not healing. don’t let yourself wallow in the sadness anymore.

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i spent the whole evening doing all of this “self-care” to distract myself, desperately trying to give myself the same love i so craved from others. i used to spend so many of my nights like this when i first moved to london. the problem was, i was heartbroken. not only from a broken relationship, not only from my friends betraying me, heartbroken with myself. i was deeply unhappy with myself; heartbroken because i didn’t know who i was anymore. i let people abuse my kindness, take advantage of me, and drain me of my spark. i was in a new place (one of the coolest cities in the world), an exciting new experience, where i was meant to put myself “out there”, but i didn’t know who that girl was. i tried, but i wasn’t confident in her. i felt unlovable. i felt like a failure. worthless. empty. my self-esteem was at an all-time low (which is shocking to me because i felt like i had some LOWS before). i felt ugly. disgusting. like a fraud. and worst of all, i felt like everyone could see right through me.

this was the real reason behind my heartbreak. the reason my body shut down. the reason i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. why i cried over the phone with my mom daily. why i cried in random starbucks, at school, on the tube, on my way to work, in the shower. everything around me felt like it was breaking, and inside, i felt just as shattered. and although other people contributed to it, the “heart-breaking point” came from me not being there for myself either (not to say that their actions didn’t hurt me— they did, more than i can put into words). i wanted to heal, to get over the people who hurt me, to forget everything and just MOVE ON. but i was so frustrated with myself for being upset, for feeling hurt… when it made perfect sense why i would be broken.

sometimes we think healing means actively working on ourselves, working on “fixing” everything that’s been broken. but often, healing just happens when we stop resisting. for me, healing didn’t come with a grand revelation. there was no moment where i looked in the mirror and suddenly loved the reflection staring back. it wasn’t a perfectly curated routine. it didn’t come from the outside. it happened quietly, in the small choices i made, which ironically started when i focused less on myself.

it was in the way i stopped trying to be invisible. in the way i smiled at everyone i ran into, asked people about their lives, and reached out first instead of waiting for others to show up for me. it was in strengthening my relationship with God, in slowing down instead of rushing through the day, in making people feel seen and heard. it was in cooking and baking for others, in going over to friends' houses to bond over a meal, and then cleaning their dishes for them. it was in volunteering my time to care for sheltered cats, in speaking up and contributing to discussions in class, in showing up for my swimming students and teaching with as much enthusiasm as i could.

slowly, i discovered i had amazing friendships all along and developed some new ones. music made me feel alive again. i started to read again, i fell in love with playing my guitar, and i started taking care of my body. i felt confident enough to leave the house without makeup. i felt passionate and creative again.

it’s funny, because i was orginally looking for love in the world, but in the wrong places. when i tried looking inward, i became too focused on myself. i only figured it out when i took myself out of the picture, because even when i was looking outward before, it still all came back to me and how i felt. once i started practicing giving my love to others, it became easier to give it to myself. and because of that, i have fallen deeply in love with who i am.

i feel like there’s sunshine in my soul (which sounds so corny but it’s true). i smile so much that my cheeks hurt. i laugh at my own jokes. i love every single one of my features. and i appreciate every minute of my life.

and that’s not to say those old hurts don’t still creep up on me sometimes, but now they don’t shatter me, because i know my worth. i know that i am enough for myself, and my heart is at peace now.

ultimately, breaking doesn’t mean you’re broken. sometimes, being broken down is exactly what you need to rebuild yourself, stronger than ever before. ★